a recent conversation with some friends made me think about the beaten-to-death topic - what is an arranged marriage? how can someone have an arranged marriage? do arranged marriages exist in the 21st century? anyone from India who has discussed the topic of marriage with their friends would know what i'm talking about.

 

it is very difficult for some of my friends & colleagues (especially in US) to understand the concept of arranged marriages - how can you get married to someone your parents introduce you to? how can you get married to someone you haven't been going around with for a while? how can you get married to someone you are not in love with? how can you get introduced to someone to get married???

 

most of my friends have had "love" marriages and then there are some who have had "arranged" marriages - if i didn't tell you who had which, you wouldn't be able to make out just by meeting them. there are cases of happy and not-so-happy marriages, regardless of how the guy n gal met. there are cases when a guy n gal met on their own and "fell in love" and decided to get married in a few weeks/months. then there are those that were introduced by their parents and "fell in love" and decided to get married in a few weeks. does it then matter how you got introduced? can't parents be like any other friends who introduce you to cool (well almost) people to meet and hook up with? i agree that when parents introduce you to someone, there are extra levels of screening much like your good friends would do when they introduce you to new friends ... ok ok i might be pushing it a little too far with this ... but you get the point.

 

gone are the days (at least in urban india) where your parents decide who you get married to and you just show up for your wedding. you get to meet your "would be" better-half and decide if he/she is the "one". the time window to make up your mind is usually smaller than what you would have if you were meeting people on your own without family pressure but apart from that, is the process really all that different? if "love at first sight" is true, then falling in love is time-independent process. and if it is not true, then you really need to spend lot and lots of quality time with someone to "fall" in love anyway. the concept of love is overrated anyway but i'll keep that discussion for my next post...

 

so, the million dollar question is - is there a difference between "love" marriages and "arranged" marriages? have modern-day arranged marriages just morphed in to "arranged-love" marriages with better pre-screening? Remember - Match.com has a paid feature for doing that ... your parents just do it for free ... and arguably do a better job at it. <flame mails can be sent to idontcare@gmail.com>

 

after much contemplation and after long discussions with the wise, the answer appeared to me. the much anticipated answer and one that is contrary to my arguments above, is - yes, there is a difference! confused? read on...

 

at least in the context of indian marriages, there is a big difference between love and arranged marriages - if you can blame your parents for your marriage, it is an arranged marriage. if not, then you had a love marriage and you gotta take the blame for it!  

 

this definition seems to work quite well for most people i know - what do YOU think?

 

 

p.s. as this has become an FAQ - NO, i'm not getting in to a love or an arranged marriage anytime soon.